Acatenango Part 2

So I'm standing there on a 3 foot wide path, thinking that any sort of mistake is going to be the end of me. The fear of heights grabs me.

Each step is hard, the sandy terrain makes it so that every move you take upward makes you slide back. To go progress one step, you really have to take three steps forward. And if I didn't mention it before, I'm petrified.

I don't often let myself get scared. I'm an anxious person by nature, but I can't always let myself be scared. This whole trip, these past 7 months, have been about what I want to do. And if I let myself be stopped by fear, I'll never take risks. People often tell me when I meet them on my travels that I'm being brave. But to me, this trip feels like something I have to do; fear or no.

It's not about being brave. Something tells me that I won't become the person I'm supposed to become without this trip. And because of that, no matter how tired, lonely, hungry, sad, or angry I get (and have gotten), I will not let myself be paralyzed by fear. This year is going to define me and I'm not about to let something like fear get in the way of that.

But it's not always as easy as making the decision not to be scared. You have to work at it all the time. But the decision is where you start. And so I decide: I'm not going to let fear stop me from making it up this mountain. And you put one foot in front of the other. And again. And again.

You know that if you stop, you're just going to turn around. So the tears threaten to come, but at this point you need to do it, to prove something to yourself-- that you were brave enough to conquer your fears; that you have it in you.

Sometimes it is just too much. I burst into tears. I was a bit hysterical. Heights are something I will probably always be afraid of.

When the tears stopped, as they always eventually do, I realized I was sitting in the sand. In a crater. Specifically, the crater of the volcano. The crater where the lava comes out. You know, the top of the volcano.

We can't be completely free of fear.  Sometimes, this is a good thing; fear warns us of danger.
However, when we let those fears stop us from something we always wanted the only person we deprive is ourselves. And in this case, it is hard to find anyone else to blame but yourself.